dad

so i miss my father. a lot! a lot, a lot! often times i wonder what it would be like if he hadn't passed away of cancer. in between those times i am honored to carry on his legacy. like a man with one arm my family has done well to compensate for the lack of our "dad limb", but the pains of rehabilitating are still very present. today i am focused on it like a splinter in the bottom of a marathoner's foot. not just on the pain but on the process of curing this pain. i have put all my energy into trusting God even when there are times that i can only offer him half of a mustard seed. so instead of moving a mountain i am still able to move a hill, which is better than nothing.

God has placed a lot of good men in my life to pick up where my father left off. however, there are times when i want to refuse their mentoring. i think that its not as valid or that they really don't know me, but whose fault is that (mine)... i valued so much the words of my father every time I went back to college, "i'm proud of you." (he used to say this while he was hugging me good bye. lol, this usually brought mom to tears of joy. but as dad and i turned to leave we both knew there was a tear in our eyes as well.) spending time with the men God has placed in my life is vital to my survival as a man. i need it just like i need even more time with my heavenly Father.

i don't deserve the grace and mercy God gives me. He has been so good to my family. i wish i was better at thanking Him, or at living for Him every second of my life. but i am human. i am still in a world of sin and that weighs down on me. i long to be in heaven worshiping God, but how dare i not value the life God gave me on this earth. He has implored me and all of us to spread His love to the ends of the earth.

i know my father is in heaven, and with that feeling and peace in my heart i can run this race for God. the splinter in my foot is nothing compared to what sacrifice Jesus made for me. thank you Lord for loving me, and caring about me.

thoughts

so yesterday i was thinking about my blog... or lack there of. i leaned over to ang and said, "i think i'm going to put an end to this blog thing." as i sit and read other blogs of my family and friends i realize, i like other their blogs. i like that i get to read their thoughts and or catch up on the latest of whats going on in their life.

from the start i never knew what to do with my blog. i don't even journal that much. but the more i thought about blogging and journaling, the more i realized i need it. it is through journaling that my thought are realigned with God's. i've noticed in the last few months that the more i keep stuff in my own head the more distorted my htoughts get. mark cryderman gave a sermon and said it best, "no more stinkin thinkin."

plus, journaling is a discipline. and since ang and i are not in karate anymore, because of finances, i am needing some more discipline. all this to hopefully say, im back.